Non-Violent Communication
As someone who is known for being quite assertive and direct, I recognise that while I always try to have good intentions when communicating with others, my delivery and tone at times come across much more harshly than expected. This is something that I have noticed more recently both within my personal and professional relationships. Being the naturally curious and analytical type, to try and better understand how I can improve my communication skills, I came across a communication process called “Non-Violent Communication” (NVC).
According to PositvePsychology.com, NVC is “a process through which we can learn to express ourselves clearly and honestly while listening to our needs and others”. It is a mutually reciprocated communication experience that involves sharing our honest thoughts, feelings and needs, whilst also empathically receiving the thoughts, feelings and needs of others. I had not previously considered my communication style to be “violent”, but upon doing some online reading about NVC, I realised that despite my good intentions, my words were having an undesired effect. This was quite an upsetting realisation, I guess nobody “likes” being identified as the problem, it doesn’t feel great. But as the old saying goes, the first step to solving a problem, is to admit that you have a problem. This is my way of admitting to myself and anybody who reads this blog that when it comes to communication, I have a problem!
The PositivePsychology.com article goes on to explain that NVC’s creator and another associate describe 4 key steps within the NVC process. These will be briefly outlined and paraphrased below:
Observations - this step involves looking at the situation in an objective and depersonalised manner, by simply stating the observable facts or details, rather than projecting or speculating upon the hidden or unspoken meaning behind the words or actions. For example, “when I started talking about X in the group meeting, I noticed you became less talkative”.
Feelings - this step involves taking accountability for our own emotions, rather than trying to blame others for how we feel. That is, while an event may cause certain feelings to arise within us, nobody can make us feel anything. This requires the communicator to acknowledge their own feelings through the use of “I feel” statements. For example, “when the topic of X came up in the group meeting, I felt embarrassed and insecure because I was not aware that this subject was going to come up, and I felt fearful that others would judge my abilities if I was not fully prepared to answer questions about this issue”.
Needs - this step involves bridging the gap between the feelings identified or being expressed in step 2 and the discovery of unmet needs in this 3rd step. For example, in the situation above in step 2, the person who feels embarrassed or insecure, may realise that they have a certain need for any future meetings. This will be further explored in step 4 below.
Requests - this step involves making a clear and specific request (not demand, demands are considered violent in NVC) based upon the communicators feelings and needs as identified in the previous steps. For example, “for future meetings, I would appreciate having an agenda, as this allows me to prepare in advance and contribute in a more productive way”.
It is my goal to become a more effective communicator, both within my HR career, as well as within my personal relationships, by attempting to utilise the NVC process. It is my hope that by learning to become more aware of my thoughts, feelings and needs, that I will also become more attuned at being able to observe other people’s thoughts, feelings and needs without judgement. I am optimistic that this will enable me to become a more compassionate and empathetic person, which will in turn, improve the quality of my relationships and my environment.
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